• Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

This post was originally published on BrenRyder.com. It’s a coming-out post: pornographer comes out as a spiritual blogger. And thus, it is also a coming out post on here: spiritual blogger comes out as pornographer.

Today I am officially coming out. You already know that I’m gay (lesbian, dyke, queer or what-have-you). You probably already know me as a pornographer and occasional porn performer – a public pervert, if you will. Now, I am letting you know that I am a spiritual person. Not religious (as often follows that statement of spirituality, for clarification purposes). I don’t follow a specific dogma. But, spiritual, in the sense that I believe there is a lot more going on that is beyond our perception and, I believe our consciousness and its connection to “God” is the key to…everything.

Readers of my BrenRyder.com blog will already know about certain spiritual aspects of my persona. My article on getting into the porn business and starting my own website “Guide To Becoming A Pornographer” had a significant “step” to the success of achieving my goal to start GoodDykePorn.com which was : “9. Find god”. Also, my friends who know me personally are fully aware of my open desire to talk about subjective experience, my love for a variety of things new-agey, and my eagerness to engage in discussions on the nature of reality. It’s pretty much my favourite subject these days. And so, I’m here to tell you, I have a blog: ZenLesbian.com. I actually started it a few years ago, but I haven’t been too regular with the updates and I didn’t link it anywhere so the only viewers were the occasional accidental reader.

This is a big step for me because I know that my views are uncommon and I have some fear around making myself vulnerable to that extent. I’m frankly more afraid to share my spirituality than I am to reveal my sexuality in explicit, full-colour video.

At GoodDykePorn it is my objective to reveal authentic sexuality. I invited people to join me by getting naked, having sex in whatever way they want to, and putting it on the internet for all to see. We’ve created amazing material. And the audience has been extremely appreciative. Feeling the importance of walking the talk, I participated in these videos as a performer from the very beginning. I felt it was necessary to experience the vulnerability of exposing myself and trusting that it will all work out for the best. And so far, it has. I’ve made some money. I’ve received praise and accolades for my work. I’ve heard stories of incredibly positive life-changing impacts the work has had. And I’ve had hot sex with beautiful women.

But, to be honest, getting naked and masturbating on the internet doesn’t feel nearly as vulnerable as inviting the world to view my perspective on god, consciousness and the nature of reality. Shame works in mysterious ways. I wrote a blog post on ZenLesbian recently about the internal dialogue of worrying what other people are going to think about my expression of thought. I came to the conclusion that creating Art in whatever way feels right is more important than the stalling power of fear. As much as going from pornography to God might seem like an inconsistent leap, it’s actually 100% in line with my philosophy and objective to overcome shame and encourage others in that same direction.

There’s something about our point-of-view that we all hold so dear to our hearts. It’s one thing to look at my body or my sex and say, “that’s not hot” (which, by the way, no one has ever done). But, it’s another level of vulnerability to allow someone to look at your beliefs, your perspective, and say “you are wrong”. But, if being perceived as un-hot or wrong is the worst-case scenario that I can come up with, then I’ve got nothing holding me back. It’s normal to feel worried that people won’t like the things that you offer to them straight from your heart. But, that’s the beauty of the internet. You can just put it out there and let them do with it what they will. They can take my naked body and use it as a reason to focus on what’s wrong with the world. Or they can look at, love it, read about it, appreciate it. It’s viewers choice. Most likely, anyone who doesn’t like naked butch dykes having sex with hot femmes simply won’t be looking at it. Same with spiritual explorations of being a queer woman in this modern world. If it doesn’t click with you, if you don’t enjoy reading it, then move on, there’s a lot in this world/Internet that will suit your fancy.

I invite you to take a look at my inner experience as expressed through the best words I can come up with at the moment of inspiration to write. You are welcome to share your perspective right back at me, if you so desire. In my porn business, I’ve had wonderful opportunities to see other people’s sexual expression (ie. their naked bodies). It’s all good. And just like then, if it’s not appropriate for me, then I will not engage or encourage more. But, by all means, do share.

I’m here to express myself, not to defend myself. In respect to the porn I’ve made, I would never defend my clit, or my hairy legs, or my orgasm, or my preference for femmes, or any aspect of who I am and how I’ve chosen to reveal my sexuality. It is simply a representation of something that was filmed at that moment in time. Nothing to defend. You now have the opportunity of reading about the authentic representation of my perspective on life and beyond. I hope you enjoy it.

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2 Responses

  1. I loved this post very much!! ♥

    In a similar way, when I would tell people about my experience with sex work (as an escort, porn actor, etc) I would very often leave out the part of the story where I explained that I was doing it for spiritual reasons. It seemed easy to talk about the feminist angle, the sex positive angle, the healing angle, the social curiosity… But I always stumbled a bit when there was a space in which I could have said “I wanted to serve a Goddess and understand her mysteries”. That one is normally a kind of long story.

    I’ve been a practicing, earth-based spiritual person for a long time – often been inspired by archetypes whose secrets I wanted to understand for self-development and inspiration. Muses, Gods, Hermes T… I studied lots of different things. It was very stimulating and I have a quick mind for myth and symbolism.

    There was a period in my life when I started noticing a ridiculous amount of roads pointing to a particular goddess, an archetype I wasn’t too interested in normally. I liked goddesses of the moon, of hunts, warrior women, and dark goddesses. I loved their stories and their wildness. I wasn’t overly interested when a love goddess came knocking. I read her stories, thought she was kind of silly, and moved on.

    But it was insistent coincidence that kept bringing me back to it. I would be studying something completely different and it would lead back to her. Even during Wikipedia browsing – it was like 5 clicks worth of separation.

    Frankly, I was hugely intimidated. She and I were nothing alike – I liked the moon and to study and think of myself as very clever and mysterious. She was golden, and playful, and seductive. I could count on one hand the number of times I’d had sex.

    The part of me that revels in how spirit and synchronicity are woven into our life won out. I started to study here and through her, developed an interested in the sacredness of sex and sex work. I began to see the gorgeous courage, the pleasure, and the sacredness of it all.

  2. 2
    Zen Bren 

    I love insistent coincidence!!
    Thank you for your comment. So fascinating, one’s journey.

    Much appreciated.

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