I enjoy expressing myself through writing. I tend towards a diary-style, though carefully thought out. I don’t consider myself a “writer” per se, even though I am because I write. I consider myself more of an expresser through writing. I also express myself through film. I started this blog nearly 5 years ago now. I’ve been writing anonymously infrequently and for the most part privately, as the content hasn’t been specifically linked to the greater Internet audience. It’s available. But posting online requires more than content for true communication to occur. It needs a signal, a connection. I see that happening soon with this blog and to be honest, that makes me a bit nervous.
There are plenty of people on the Internet who express their inner most feelings to the world wide web. Sharing your diary entries has been popular since the Internet began. First porno pictures became available to the world, then LiveJournal. And as a self-identified voyeur, I’m delighted by the revealing nature of the Internet. It’s not the revealing of my individual perspective that I worry about. It’s not even the potential judgement or criticism by the readers that evokes hesitation. It’s knowing that nothing I write will ever reveal the whole picture.
My perspective is a changing thing and my intention is to reveal that to the world. But what if it really really changes? Or what if my way of expressing myself rises to a level that to me seems “better” and I’m left with blog posts of the past that are scattered and confusing, but remain online as a representation of me and my mind? These are the concerns that I think about.
It reminds me of conversations I have with an atheist friend of mind. We have different views and she’s argumentative in nature (likes to play the devil’s advocate) so we have some interesting and heated discussions. It’s all in good fun. We’re both interested in each other’s point of view, but I always leave feeling like I didn’t say enough, like I didn’t really express my perspective adequately.
I have multiple influences in the posts already online such as Steve Pavlina (circa 2007-8), A Course in Miracles (a very God-focused workbook), and Dr. David R. Hawkins (an enlightened man, speaking on God-consciousness and subjective reality). In the past I loved Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, and Eckhart Tolle (still do). And these days I’m immersed in a lot of Abraham-Hicks, Jane Roberts as Seth, and now I’m reading some Ralph Waldo Emerson. My spiritual journey changes and evolves. That’s what a journey is all about. And there stand my old posts, like photos of me in my 20s with long-hair and bottle of hard liquor. There are things that I’ve done in my life that I choose now not to talk about or focus on. My old blog posts are certainly going to play a similar role. Something for someone to grab onto, if they so desire, and colour their perspective of me and my writing.
Which leads me to the true “Art” of expressing myself on the Internet. It makes me think of the Wayne Dyer quote: “Self-actualized people are independent of the good opinion of others.” The art is in the allowing of whatever people might think. That’s what true artists do. They create and they expose their work to the world, allowing whatever may come. Often people are critical and plenty of people have opinions they frequently express. In this modern era of the Internet people don’t simply share their opinions over coffee or at the water cooler at work, the most opinionated ones writing letters with a chance of it getting published in the newspaper for all to see. We have instant communication and we have it often. It’s almost rude to not make a comment these days.
That can make people nervous. It makes me nervous.
Caring what people think or not is a lifelong lesson. There are time when I care too much and I hold back from expressing myself. And there are times where I know for sure that the opinion of others is simply an opportunity to exercise my own sureness in myself. The only thing wrong with someone expressing a so-called negative opinion of me or my work is if it affects me negatively then I’ve allowed them to take me out of alignment with my True Self. My greatest ambition in life is to practise alignment with Source under any and all circumstances. It’s easy to be in alignment when people look at me with love, but it takes greater focus to stay in that place of love and joy when people have something to say about what I’ve just published on the Internet. Similarly, that’s why I go to the gym. It’s easy to breath in and out when I’m sitting on my couch. But, what about when I have to run for the bus? If I’ve done my cardio exercises consistently then I can very quickly recover my breathing after a fast sprint.
I practise being loving and joyful in every moment possible so I can freely express myself without concern of anyone’s opinion bumping me too far out of alignment. I know that I can quickly recover. I will be stronger for it and I will feel great satisfaction from witnessing the solidity of my joyful foundation.