• Friday, June 20th, 2014

I have a favourite quote from Pema Chödrön that fits perfectly with my way of life – the miraculously ordinary life – and idea of the warrior.

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.”

― Pema Chödrön, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

I like to think of being nice and feeling positive as a warrior’s way of being, cutting through habitual weariness, societal glum, and standing tall as a victor of sunshininess.
:-)

These days, I’m steeped in contemplations of non-duality and enlightenment. The warrior notion enters the idea of ending the war within. Historically the warrior has been the fighter, destroying the enemy, achieving victory, and thus securing territory, power, and survival. These days, many people – including myself – don’t need to fight an enemy to maintain a home, food, and family. And so the fight turns inward. Depending on the programs of greatest influence this internal fight can manifest as guilt and shame as you attack yourself for thinking and feeling things that perhaps are deemed inappropriate or undesirable.

I believe that for us privileged folk, this inward focus is an opportunity to end war where it matters most, within. I believe it takes a warrior to truly end the fight. A warrior takes orders from their commander. A warrior sacrifices their life, if the circumstances demand it. I’ve seen the historical accounts of ground wars where the ones in front stand still as commanded. They don’t attack out of anger or righteousness, they do their job as commanded for the greater good, the warriors behind them, the cause that is being fought for. And so, if commanded, the warrior has the discipline to completely stop all warring. And that is the task I feel invited to take on within.

The super-ego is the authoritarian voice in my head that says, hey let’s end this war within. The ego is the conscious and unconscious mind that focuses here or there depending on a lifetime of experience and aeons of human evolution. Sometimes it feels like the super-ego is at war with the ego, rewarding or punishing depending on what thoughts arise. This can even happen in my opening point on choosing the positive way of being. If I scold myself for not thinking happy thoughts then I’m just waging war. This isn’t often the case for me, but it’s important to be cognizant about it. If I reflect on Pema Chödrön’s quote, she says to “drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune”. I see this as fitting with the idea of skilfully refusing to take up the fight, dropping all weapons, dropping complaints, dropping opinions, dropping righteousness, and allowing whatever may happen as a consequence of the cessation of war.

Right now I am blessed with a job that gives me time to write. It has always been a dream of mine to write. I never fully believed in being able to make money from writing (I still don’t) and so I pursued careers that might allow for a good job – a job I would love – where I could write as well. This pursuit was worthy in and of itself but it didn’t facilitate much writing. And so now I have that chance. And I love it. It’s fun to be contemplating the nature of reality, the influence of my thoughts, and the process of enlightenment while opening up to the inspiration to write.

I have a pretty peaceful and wonderful life and so the warriors within are strong and rarely tempted to pick up the sword, until I began creative writing. Whoa, the activity that’s going on in there now. Beliefs emerge: you can’t do this. Judgements arise: this is shit. The warriors recognize their enemies and are posed to destroy such harmful thoughts.

However, even as we see in the outside world, attempting to destroy the undesirable doesn’t produce that which is desirable. In fact, it tends to multiply. You can’t wage peace. Peace is the natural consequence of the end of war. And so as the seemingly harmful thoughts arise in me, the intention is for the warriors to hold strong. The warriors maintain a loving presence. Unconditionally, the thoughts are allowed to arise, stay as long as they need to and eventually dissolve. The bright light of unconditional love makes it easy to see the these dark thoughts quickly, but the environment of that light won’t allow for them to stick around for long. But, they’re welcome to return anytime, if the circumstances deem it fit for their return.

I’m more comfortable with this type of blog writing than storytelling, and still I’m noticing some tricky thoughts arising. Having this opportunity to be with my thoughts, to challenge myself through creativity and public exposure, is a huge blessing. It is an honour to share this with you. And so I hold strong.

• Friday, May 30th, 2014

I am a New Age Consciousness junkie. I read a lot of books. I watch a lot of videos. I listen to a lot of seminars. In many ways it all says the same thing, but each “new” thing leads me in a direction of new understanding. In some of my previous posts I’ve told the tale of my journey through teachers. I got hooked by Steve Pavlina back in the day (but I’ve lost interest in his writing lately). Deepak Chopra has a lot to say that resonates with me and led me to Wayne Dyer, which led me to Eckhart Tolle. All of these books and teachings spoke of God and Spirit and Love and manifestation and creating your own reality through intention, all that good stuff. People tend to get drawn to these teachings because they’re seeking a better experience of life and they have an intuitive understanding that a better life doesn’t necessarily come from manipulating things outside of ourselves, but something much deeper and internal. However, it’s still about doing something to be happier. Maybe that something is meditating, and often, like me, that something is following all sorts of spiritual teachings.

Years ago, I started to read Dr. David R. Hawkins. Doc, as those who know him called him. He wrote about enlightenment. Obviously, he’s not the first to do so. Enlightenment has a long and stable tradition through Eastern Religions. Doc was a very educated man and spoke of his experience of enlightenment and his understanding of reality and life and death, etc. His work really resonated with me and allowed me to take my studies deeper. Not only was I inspired to seek happiness and love, but now enlightenment sounded pretty cool. Also, the theory is that as we become more enlightened we actually become holders of powerful light that lifts the whole world up. As the Doc said, it’s like each of us contributes a drop of water which lifts the whole boat higher. So, the natural drive to improve life for others is built into enlightenment. Another teacher I now study uses a lighthouse metaphor. One holder of light can guide thousands to safety.

And then I found myself drawn to channelled speakers like Bashar and Seth and they speak of the Nature of Reality in a mystical and thoroughly interesting way that “explains”, on a certain level, how life works the way it does. That appeals to me to no end.

And now I’m back to enlightenment. Similar to the Doc, my new guy, Adyashanti, isn’t about abundance or happiness or manifestation. He’s about realizing the Presence that always exists within. Realizing enlightenment is the path to enlightenment. For thousands of years the teaching has been about uncovering that which is already there, not finding something that you need to get to. A significant teaching of realizing enlightenment is disassociating one’s identity with their thoughts. So much is about the awareness for the mind and thoughts and seeing it for what it is and letting it go. The mind is the consummate entertainer. It’s funny, clever, insightful, and tricky. And very precious to us. And quite addictive.

There’s a lot of tension in the path of enlightenment. Some people relate stories of instant awakenings and for others it’s slow and gradual. And since it’s an individual subjective experience it’s hard to know what it actually is, if you’re there, if you’re done, and the unknown of what life would be like if enlightenment did occur. There’s a fear of becoming a mindless zombie who sits blissfully on top of a mountain and never engages with the world. But, maybe it’s not like that at all.

Based on my studies and my intuition I feel that enlightenment or ascension is an infinite process. Doc talked about levels that people can reach while being alive and he attached numbers to the levels, the very highest being 1000 which is what Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, and the like were at. And that level is not necessarily something to covet. It’s not a place of happiness per se. Pure Love, for sure, but happiness? Many sources have described a kind of blowing of the circuits of the human who reaches such high levels of enlightenment. But there are plenty of lower, delightful levels of enlightenment before you’re at the level of Jesus. I believe that beyond the physical experience there is more and more ascension and it occurs through experience, but it also occurs naturally, like ageing.

And so I’m lightening up on my enlightenment. There is no rush to “get” anywhere. And even though I know that I am not my thoughts, I quite enjoy the thoughts that I do have. I have some incredibly entertaining conversations in my head sometimes (which is why this blog is nice, so that I can take it outside of myself a little bit). After a particularly fun conversation in my head about life and death, I thought, “how enlivening”. The clever thoughts being so clever I had to look further. Enliven, according to The World English Dictionary, means, “to make active, vivacious, or spirited; to make cheerful or bright.” Perfect. I like enlivenment.

The Grace of Enlightenment can lead you to transcend your thoughts, your circumstances, and your reality so that through the experiential awareness of the Presence of “All That Is” (God) you come to a blissful place of knowingness. But, the Grace of Enlivenment is fun, vivacious, in fact. Thoughts, circumstances, and reality reveal beauty, connectedness, joy, life – a bright, cheerful, spirited life. I like that. Enlightenment will come when the time is right. Maybe now, maybe a million years from now. It’s all good. Of course, seekers of enlightenment are aware of the paradoxical nature so that upon ceasing the seeking of enlightenment, it is found. So, there’s that.

I see enlightenment as a time when you stop putting together the puzzle of the flowers in a vase, and simply lift your head and gaze upon the flowers in a vase. Enlivenment is puzzle after puzzle of gorgeous pictures of scenery knowing full well they are not the scenery itself. But, the puzzles are fun and addictive. The puzzles are consciousness, the nature of reality, science, biology, society, relationships, manifestations, mysticism, religion, history, tradition, and how it all connects. I love doing puzzles. And so I continue on my journey of enlivenment.

• Friday, April 04th, 2014

Recently I engaged in a brief discussion online about gender identity. I try to avoid doing so because the topic of gender identity these days is very political, highly personal, and, quite complex. It’s full of jargon that I’m only a little bit familiar with and there are about as many different ways to identify as there are people in the queer community. I narrow it to the queer community because for the most part identifying your gender is a queer issue. Even if you’re straight, the very act of identifying yourself out of the typical male/female makes you a bit queer. (Be grateful, queer is awesome.) Having discussions about this, it’s inevitable that I will offend someone or come across as conservative or old-fashioned or just…not with the times. And it’s true, I’m not.

I do have a gender that’s different than the majority. I’m a woman, but I look like a man to a lot of people. I like my brush-cut hair, men’s clothes, minimal grooming, and comfortable shoes. I identify as a woman. I don’t care what other people call me (sir, ma’am, miss, lady, dude, buddy, bro). It’s all the same to me. I have a lot of shared experience with trans people, genderqueers or gender nonconforming people, but I wouldn’t necessarily identify myself as such. Though, I feel that any one of those words would be perfectly accurate descriptions of me if anyone wanted to call me that.

Regarding that online discussion, I did offend, because I expressed my confusion and it came across as invalidation or perhaps that I thought someone shouldn’t be as they are simply because I didn’t quite get it. Even though there really wasn’t any discussion beyond my comment, my mind was racing with thoughts about gender and sex and what makes a person “feel” one way, another, neither, or both. And then I was reminded of a reading I had a few months ago with My Shaman. That’s how I like to refer to her, she is a shaman and she does readings and healings and clearings and whatnot. It involves cards, and conversations with the Creator, reading my Akashic records and all sorts of good stuff like that. In our meeting, she came upon an indication of an imbalance of my Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine. She said I needed to integrate more Divine Feminine into my life. And I’m sitting there thinking, “I don’t know what you’re talking about lady, I’m perfectly full of femininity.” Okay, maybe not. She did her magic to the best of her ability to bring in both female and male energy to intermingle into one complete energy. And I was sent home with homework to embrace my Divine Feminine, whatever that means.

A quick Google search on “integrate divine feminine” leads me to “Divine Balance: The Sacred Union of the Divine Feminine and Masculine.

Perfect. Homework!

I do believe that we are linked to multiple incarnations, aka, past lives. And I think that there’s something there that influences who we are in this experience. Since I was born a girl who wanted to look and act like the boys, I believe it tells me something about my balance of masculinity. It’s strong, but not too strong. It’s strong enough that even as a female my natural expression is outwardly male. But, not so strong that it causes conflict in me. As a child I rationalized my difference by creating a story where I was born a boy, but as I grew up I became a girl. Made sense to me. And I think that’s still happening. My growth is quite slow. I have always fully accepted my femaleness. Again, as a kid, if anyone challenged my gender and called me a boy, well, I punched them right in the face. Take that! I am a girl! And yes, still doing that too. Except no punching, just being a woman, a butch woman. Yes, you’re in the right washroom! I am a woman!

So all of this gets me contemplating the strange and wonderfully weird topics of past lives, present lives, choosing our lives, learning certain lessons, and moving forward. The highly political conversation on the internet that I couldn’t relate to led me to remember the shamanic instruction to integrate my divine feminine more. And it all got me thinking about this life. In this life I’m in a woman’s body. I have always felt comfortable identifying as female. I act quite male, but choose to define woman to match who I am, instead of creating new words for others to use on me. Now, I’m remembering that I’m here to experience the Divine Feminine. I’m remembering that being in a female body isn’t an automatic balancing of energy, but simply a reminder to focus on that balance. I’m remembering that my adherence to the female side of me is my indication of the underlying Will to integrate the Feminine. All this to say, I believe there’s something to be learned here.

I’m not suddenly going to start wearing make-up and shopping on the other side of the store. I tried to grow out my hair recently and didn’t like it much. And this is why I have trouble with the political discussion of gender identity. In my journey to integrate the divine feminine and masculine, I won’t be changing my appearance. The key word here is “Divine”. The Divine isn’t the body. It isn’t even the mind. My body, my mind, and my physical expression have certain male and female characteristics, unique to me. And they’re helping me to get in touch with something much deeper and more meaningful. I honestly have no idea “how” I’m going to integrate the divine feminine/masculine more, but being a happy and healthy masculine woman feels like a good lifetime to figure it out. I’ve got some homework to do.

• Thursday, March 27th, 2014

I use the word secrets not because these things are hidden but because so few people are prepared to hear them today.
- Bhagavad Gita

When sharing my perspective on the power of consciousness and positive thinking to skeptics or people who don’t know me that well, often I hear disgust and judgement as they ask, “like in The Secret?” And, if I’m honest the answer is, “yes, like in The Secret”.

The Secret has been controversial from the beginning. A polarizing idea that empowered some people and annoyed or even angered others. Just recently a friend on Facebook posted a rant in their status update about the atrocities of The Secret. They’d just watched it for the first time and took to the Internet to express their rage. Eight years after its release it still evokes the polarized perspectives (as the variety of responses to her post further demonstrated).

From my point of view, The Secret is a stepping stone for shifting your thinking entirely. As a whole, our way of thinking is going through a significant paradigm shift. And in the context of the early 2000s, The Secret used the popularity of people wanting nice things to contribute to the overall paradigm shift, namely, “change comes from within”. But, I feel the shame that comes from being a viewer of The Secret. Many who judge and shame us for watching and liking it haven’t even seen it themselves. Hence the recent condemning of the show from my FB friend who finally decided to watch it for themselves instead of judging without even knowing what they were judging. And surprise surprise, their perspective was validated by the viewing and were free to shame and judge those of us who live this perspective – The Law of Attraction. *gasp!*

When I first watched it, I saw the original release that’s actually different than the current copy. So, I understand that viewing it now one might have a different experience than if they’d seen the original. The part that stood out for me the most were the segments with Abraham Hicks. I immediately went digging for more information on “The Teachings of Abraham” as listed on the lower third below the strangely-talking sweet-looking older woman. And considering that I went to their seminar just last year, as I wrote about in another post, they’ve had a significant influence on my personal growth. They were cut out of later releases because of copyright issues or business issues or who knows what, I don’t care. Esther and Jerry Hicks have always been strong in business and that’s their deal. All good, as far as I’m concerned.

The biggest criticism of The Secret was the emphasis on getting money, or cars, or relationships, whatever you want by changing the way you think. It was widely interpreted that the film basically promoted magical thinking. Just think about it and you will have it, it seemed to say. And that’s where the film separated those who were ready for a paradigm shift from those who weren’t. For those of us that felt the resonance of the content of The Secret all that was required to truly experience a profound change was discernment. With discernment you could take the lessons of The Secret and apply it to whatever you wanted. In 2006, it reached the widest audience by focusing on cars, houses, lovers and money. But, the viewer didn’t have to if they didn’t want to.

The Secret asked the viewer to imagine what it would be like to have the car of your dreams. Put yourself in the seat, see yourself driving it, feel what it feels like to live in a world where you are the owner of this car. This was hook. It wasn’t teaching you how to get a car. It was teaching you how to feel joy, excitement, and satisfaction without needing the external world to match your vision. And, it was teaching that if you didn’t get the car you were expecting, then you didn’t hold the good feeling long enough. Hook #2 – continue the feelings of joy, excitement, and satisfaction no matter what.

This whole process is the Kindergarten class of Inner Peace. It uses people’s strong desire for things and gets them practising feeling good first, instead of feeling good after getting those things. For those who criticise the materialistic nature of the teaching, why not substitute the car, in this example, for World Peace? Visualize world peace, see yourself in a world of peace, feel what it feels like for the whole world to be at peace. Now, hold onto that feeling everyday and trust that the universe will deliver your request…eventually. What have you just done? You’ve put yourself into a state of peace. Already the world is more peaceful. And what if you die before ever experiencing world peace? You will have wasted your emotions on feeling love, peace and joy. But, isn’t that the goal of world peace anyway: to feel love, peace, and joy?

The film doesn’t say a lot about taking action and so the skeptical audience claimed that it was saying to NOT take action, just think about nice things. The reason it didn’t address action so much (as I see it) is because action is the *next* step. It’s Secondary School. If you skip a few grades you can still attend school and do the tests, but the outcome will be much better if you go to elementary before jumping into high school. Actions have better outcomes when they follow positive thoughts. Actions are life. Not taking action, is itself an action. So you must live your life through action.

Even if the viewer doesn’t have the discernment to see The Secret for what it really is, the primary consequence of thinking about something you want and feeling the emotions of what it would be like to have it is the consequence of feeling good. And that’s where the brilliance of this kind of work comes in. It is training scores of people to focus on feeling good.

Ultimately, it’s just a stepping stone to new understandings of the power of intention, desire, consciousness, and the malleability of external reality. From following the trail of one idea to another idea, I’ve come to learn that the thought of driving a hot car, or visualizing high praise from society, or feeling what it would be like to have a lover who truly gets you is simply matching a vibration. Like tuning a guitar string to match the harmonics of the tuning fork, the vibration of feeling good, feeling thrilled, feeling content, is matching the harmonics of Life itself. And that’s where the magic happens.

• Monday, March 03rd, 2014

I have big thoughts fairly frequently. I wrote a previous post in which I speak of my frequent contemplations on “the nature of reality”. The explanations I’m drawn to come from other-worldly beings and enlightened masters who attempt to give us a picture on the grand design of not only our physical universe but multiple dimensions and higher (and maybe lower) realms that exist simultaneously with this one that we know physically. Our mind might not seem exactly physical and so we hope that it could be capable of learning and grasping the ideas that are beyond the physical. But, the mind is truly physical. And unfortunately, not really able to “know”. But, so what? It’s designed to know what it’s experiencing right here right now and nothing more. And what’s happening right here, right now is fun and interesting contemplations on what could be beyond the comprehensible.

A symbol that keeps coming up for me in my studies is the circle. Clearly the circle is a powerful symbol on Earth as the Earth itself is a form of a circle – a sphere. (When I say circle I don’t only mean a uniform 2-dimensional shape, I also mean ellipses, spheres, and whatnot.) This symbol of a circle is starting to help my little mind grasp enormous concepts. Well, maybe “grasp” is going a bit too far. But, circles are definitely where it’s at if you want to contemplate an infinite universe that resides within one’s consciousness.

I’m reading Ralph Waldo Emerson and in his essay, “Circles”, he references another, saying, “St. Augustine described the nature of God as a circle whose centre was everywhere, and its circumference nowhere.”

Voila! Mystery solved. That is the nature of reality (ie. God). Well, I think I’ll just contemplate that for a few millennia.

Circles can be seen as frustrating, as a way of getting stuck in rut. The cycle continues and nothing changes but the cycle within the circle. But, like everything, the way you feel about it will depend on how you define it. Circles/cycles can be frustrating or they can be liberating. What does it mean to have no beginning and no ending? If repetition is what’s being experienced, what can be learned from that?

I love the experience of cycles: day/night, lunar cycles, seasons, even my menstrual cycle. Cycles help me see better what’s going on. The repetition lets me get it a bit better the next time around. In this context I’m thinking about cycles of relationships, or work, or creativity – the less easily definable cycles. But, cycles and circles none the less.

Bashar (my current favourite guru) says that everything is happening Now and we are simply shifting our perspective billions of times per second. And when he describes this he always moves his hand in a horizonal circle, shifting his finger from point to point around the circle (representing our point of view).

The circle. The circle. The infinitely expanding circle. As I continue to contemplate the circle I will leave you with a paragraph from Emerson’s “Circles”, the work of a man contemplating the nature of reality nearly 200 years ago.

The natural world may be conceived of as a system of concentric circles, and we now and then detect in nature slight dislocations which apprise us that this surface on which we now stand is not fixed, but sliding. These manifold tenacious qualities, this chemistry and vegetation, these metals and animals, which seem to stand there for their own sake, are means and methods only – are words of God, and as fugitive as other words. Has the naturalist or chemist learned his craft, who has explored the gravity of atoms and the elective affinities, who has not yet discerned the deeper law whereof this is only a partial or approximate statement, namely, that like draws to like; and that the goods which belong to you gravitate to you and need not be pursued with pains and cost? Yet is that statement approximate also, and not final. Omnipresence is a higher fact. Not through subtle, subterranean channels need friend and fact be drawn to their counterpart, but, rightly considered, these things proceed from the eternal generation of the soul. Cause and effect are two sides of one fact. (1836)

• Wednesday, February 26th, 2014

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A few days have passed since the Winter Olympics have ended in Sochi, Russia. And I must confess. I love the Olympics. I love cheering for Canada. I love watching the best athletes in the world compete. I especially love watching the women. It could have something to do with the fact that I’m a big ol’ gay lesbian, but, truly, those women are freakin’ amazing. I don’t even watch sports when the Olympics aren’t on. Actually, I don’t even watch the Summer Olympics, just Winter. The men are also pretty amazing athletes to watch but there’s something so ordinary about men competing. To me, they don’t seem special, just kind of neutral. Don’t get me wrong, I very much appreciate the skill and hard work that the guys do. Of course, it’s amazing to be the best in the world. But, to be the best woman athlete (in any sport) is something special.

I’m working casual shifts right now and I was blessed with the assignment of a few weeks of overnight shifts at a building in the Olympic Village in Vancouver. This is a perfect example of the serendipity I am privileged to experience on a regular basis. Because of this work schedule I got to watch a lot of Olympics. And because of the nature of the work I was doing I got to watch it while at work…in the same building that Olympic athletes were living in 4 years ago.

There were so many great moments. I loved seeing the way all the athletes supported each other, and not just people from the same country. In between the snowboarding or skiing runs I loved seeing the way the women would be so supportive and always hug each other.

And the women kicked ass for Canada! In fact, when you look at just the women competitors, Canada was number one for gold medals, two more than the second place women, our neighbours to the south, USA. My favourite events were curling (they won all their matches and are from my hometown), the various freestyle skiing and snowboarding competitions (my girlfriend cried she was so moved by their athletic prowess), and of course, hockey! (incredible comeback). Some of the other sports were a bit boring, like cross-country skiing and alpine skiing. But, I loved that Marit Bjoergen from Norway (who they lovingly call “Iron Lady”) became the winningest female Winter Olympian of all time after finishing 1st in the 30 km race with her teammates in 2nd and 3rd. Another bit that I loved was watching a 20 year old woman from Iran finish her run in Alpine Skiing in the top 50. And even though the Canadian women didn’t do so great in speed skating this year, out-lesbian skater Ireen Wust from Netherlands won 2 golds and 3 silver in Sochi alone. Incredible. And the commentator was so supportive and proud of her winning. She said, “it couldn’t have happened to a better person.”

And so, I must address the elephant in the room. Because of Russia’s out and proud human rights violations against LGBT people in their government and in the streets, it’s understandable that activists around the world have had a hate-on for the Olympics from the start. People like George Takei and the majority of my Facebook friends have been calling for a complete boycott of the Olympics in Sochi. I understand why and I totally respect that they believe it’s important to take that stand. Feeling outrage over other people’s realities is a common reaction for North American queers. It is a complex issue, but I choose not to share the common perspective.

This is a very exciting time for queer Russian activists. The outpouring of love and support from people and businesses all over the world has been incredible to see. I don’t think there’s ever been more overt love and acceptance of the gays in all of history. The way I see it, humanity as a whole is in a better place now than they were just months before. That said, it doesn’t mean that other people shouldn’t feel outrage and want to do whatever they can to help improve circumstances for those who suffer. But, you know, there are a lot of circumstances in this world where people suffer deeply. It might be your path to work at alleviating that suffering, or it might be your path to experience the suffering and come out the other side (or not). From my perspective, all realities are valid, every journey is leading you to somewhere better…eventually. If you feel called to fight, then that’s your right. If you feel love and pride for what’s happening right here and now, then that’s okay too.

A huge part of my path in life has been directing my focus towards seeing anything and everything from a positive perspective whenever possible. And part of that includes seeing the positive of people taking a negative perspective. I believe that if one feels that it’s important to express an opinion or take a stand then that person is doing what’s right for them. What’s right for me is to find joy in What-Is, including the Winter Olympics. What’s right for me is to think of all the Russian people I’ve met in Canada who are incredibly sweet, overtly supportive of gays, and such thoughtful and intelligent people. What’s right for me is to acknowledge the one who was extremely sexist towards me and love them unconditionally as I continue my path very far away from them. What’s right for me is to believe that love and joy (and yes, even money when appropriate) is limitless and can be directed towards events like the Olympics and towards a changing, better world. The way I see it, you can’t create more love over here, by taking away some love from over there. It just doesn’t work that way. But…if you see it that way, that’s okay, too.

Congratulations Canada and athletes from around the world! Good games!

• Saturday, February 15th, 2014

Since the first blog was created and people began to post their thoughts and whatnot on the internet, there has been the inevitable opening sentence: “It’s been a while since my last post…”

I have made the internet my place of business and self-expression for the last 5 years or so. The business paradigm of the cyber world is a hard and fast rule – update regularly and update often. Without those updates you don’t have an audience and you don’t have a business. Internet business is a magical place where you can take your passion and express it in a way that has a potential to make some money. And often you can do this without quitting your day job, thus keeping the venture low risk. Currently I run 3 websites and every single one of them hasn’t been updated in about 6 months. And I don’t care.

Well, I care a little. But, I choose to not worry about it. My main video website has pretty much come to a close. I’ve chosen to not produce any more videos so there won’t be any new updates anyway. The secondary website to that one really really needs updates in its current format – it’s meant to be a site of updates to keep people updated. Oh well. And finally, the third site is this one and I’m updating it now, so it’s all good.

Here’s what I’m working towards expressing to you: It’s important to me to do a good job, to create something that people enjoy, to keep my work alive, however, not doing anything on the internet for long periods of time actually feels quite glorious. I feel absolutely sure that feeling good is the key to a life fulfilled. Feeling good can mean a lot of things and a person can feel good about anything and everything if they’re masterful at it. But, for those of us still working it out it helps to just start with self-indulgence of whatever feels good. And for me, for a while now, staying off the internet has felt really good to me. And, so what’s the point of forcing myself to create new updates and stay on top of the goings on of the internet? I only do it for the fun of it anyway, so if it feels better to not do it, then that’s just what I’ll do – not do it.

Over the last couple of years I’ve been working on establishing my active income-making (ie. day job). I’ve experimented with part-time, living life like I’m retired, but I decided I want more money than that gets me (still got some debts to pay off from following my passion). Currently, I’m setting myself up with work that is very easy, just demanding enough, and structured as such that I can work on my writing and websites while I’m on the job. And so, that means I’m feeling inspired again. I have new opportunities for sitting in front of the computer for hours on end and updating websites, or writing screenplays, books or whatnot, will certainly enhance my experience of being on the job. It’s perfect. And so I write. I update.

The really cool thing that I’m learning from this experience of doing and not doing based on how inspired or good I feel about it, is that it could all change tomorrow. It could all change in the next moment. And that’s okay. If I’m not excited about doing something, then I don’t do it. But, I don’t make a lifetime commitment to never do it ever again. I simply let it be, and let it become exciting again at anytime, if ever.

More and more people are acting on their highest excitement, following their bliss. And it’s an inspiring way to live, but whenever you find yourself following your bliss in a way that doesn’t feel good, then it’s time to take a step back. Because if it doesn’t feel good, then it isn’t really bliss. Every moment is an opportunity to find out exactly how to act on that bliss in a blissful way. It might change from moment to moment. Let it. Choose bliss. Don’t do.

• Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013

The purpose of this blog is simply to share with the readers my experience of individual spiritual realization. Everyday I contemplate the nature of reality. You could say it’s a philosophical perspective, and I do like to think of it that way, as well. But, it’s a philosophy of the spirit that functions in the physical realm. Sorting out, intellectually, what makes physical reality what it is can be tricky. I’m inclined to think of it in a predominantly subjective manner – how I experience reality as I experience it. But, one could also look through an objective lens and seek out the mechanism of reality as discovered by scientists over many centuries. The scientific discoveries and perspectives on the mechanism by which physical reality functions is interesting, for sure, but for myself, I don’t find it particularly relevant to my philosophical contemplations.

Another significant aspect to my contemplations is that I don’t focus too much on the how and why of other people’s experiences of life. Inevitably the more I know about the how and why of my own experience, the more I’ll know about others, in some regard. I can learn and understand some of many factors that can go into forming another experience. But, like the scientific mechanical process of matter, narrowing down factors of influence in another person’s experience simply isn’t relevant to my contemplations.

I’ve always been a thinker. I am Gemini after all. But, not specifically a scholar. My interest has tended towards the personal experience. I’ve been interested in personal development books since I was a teenager. And I loved the controversial Oprah topics of the 90s of creating your own reality, and the methodological studies of prayer and meditation. Growing up in the United Church I’ve always been exposed to minimally problematic perspectives of God and Spirit. But my spiritual explorations really began for me in 2007. One Googled question led to a blog, which led to another blog, which led to an author, and then a video and so on. It’s been the quintessential Internet-Age mystical journey. I started to study subjective reality, read Dr. David Hawkins, watched the Secret, looked deeper and deeper into the concept of the soul, God as immanent, deliberate creations, and listened to many many messages and perspective that claim a non-physical origin.

Six and half years later I’m still at it: still reading about spiritual perspectives; still listening to people claiming to be speaking from another realm; still wondering what I can do for myself to experience an improved reality – a life of joy, excitement, love, and bliss. It is my belief that the more of this joy and love that I experience, the more the world will experience. It is, in a sense, my mission from God – to feel good, everyday. I have a shirt that says, “I’m on a mission from God” and it has a drawing of a man with long hair and outstretched arms. I’m sure you can guess the implication of that image. And people always ask me, “what’s your mission?” My answer: To feel good.

All the information that I’m gathering about the nature of reality and the interconnectivity of the spirit and the physical body is fascinating me to no end. I’m developing new perspectives everyday. Not drastically different from “past” perspectives, but more developed, expanded viewpoints. And I love it. The one thing that keeps coming up, that I’m continually drawn to in my study is the significance of feeling good. Ultimately, that’s what people want from their lives. People say they want to “be happy”. That can be defined in all sorts of ways. But it’s the feeling of being happy that’s the key – the feeling of feeling good.

In my exploration of “the nature of reality” I get to look around me, use my observational functions and think about things that are actually beyond the capacity of the thinking mind. It’s incredibly fun. I hope to share more of these contemplations with you because they’re always changing and developing. And it’s super interesting to attempt to articulate concepts that are literally beyond the mind (analogies work well, but I have no doubt our words and concepts will develop with greater understanding). These days, this concept of feeling good is on my mind and surfaces in all sorts of sources. Different authors talk about it in different ways. People who seek happiness think about it in different ways. There is no one way. We are all having an individual experience. In your experience, as you walk on your own unique path, come upon your own significant clues, gather them up and move on, use your emotions as your guide. Move forward and see how it feels. If it’s not quite right, then change directions.

The image that flashed into my head as I wrote that was a person walking through a vast field of tall grass (I was born in the prairies). I imagined a game of sorts, like a video game. Try one way, pick up a clue – it feels good, then in my mind I pictured the field having depth beyond what we see as the earth’s surface. Upon feeling good the person’s path becomes elevated and the things that you find upon that path will be completely different at this level than at another level. Moving forward, always moving forward, the player will either stay at that level, go even higher, or more likely direct their focus toward observing unwanted things, succumb to old thought patterns and sink back down to the lower level where they will come upon a while new set of possible circumstances. It’s all okay, of course. It all leads you somewhere. Somewhere new and somewhere with a whole new set of choices. We get to choose and move on. That’s the game.

There you go. That was me contemplating the nature of reality, as a video game. Sometimes that’s how my mind works. I’m delighted to share it with you. Please feel free to share your own unique perspective in the comments section.

• Tuesday, September 10th, 2013

Recently, I went home to see my family and I brought my girlfriend to meet them. I like that my family still lives in the same general area where I grew up so that I can say “home” in that context other than the “home” that I feel here in Vancouver. I would say that the trip was pretty much the most perfect encounter I could imagine. It had a lot of fun elements: family, relaxation, tourism, luxury, nostalgia. And I can see even more cool elements occurring in the future: culture, beauty, friends, more fun.

In the past, I’ve had girlfriends who would tease me about having a Norman Rockwell family and frankly, it’s true. It’s not that we’re all perfect or anything like that. It’s just that we choose to be nice to each other, polite even. And the niceness isn’t forced. It comes naturally from completely accepting each other for who we are. For some people that would be weird, but in the culture of my family nice is normal and appreciated. When we have a few days together, we talk about how things are going in our lives – doing our best to focus on the positive. We talk about our pets, the weather, plans for continually improving life and various other relatively surface conversations. There’s great love between all of us. There’s hugs and “I love you” salutations, but no gushing. Not a lot of overt affection. The love is known. Certain.

In my consciousness and spiritual reading and discovering I’ve been coming across the idea a lot lately about choosing our lives here on earth and choosing the family we are born into. I feel like I chose a rather easy ride this life. That’s not to say I haven’t had challenges, I have, thank god (I need some challenges). But, the ease with which I’m able to move on from the challenges is quite noticeable. At the moment I’m feeling a sense of Ease and Simplicity being a theme in this life. Not a bad theme, if I may say so myself. It’s a theme that is unique to my character, that’s for sure.

I feel a sense of ease when I’m with my family. They’ve always left me alone to do whatever I want without judgement. My path of life tends to be all over the place and some parents might feel compelled to help steer me in a straighter line (so to speak). But they don’t. They just listen to whatever new story I have about what I do with my time, my job, my art, my love and they love me for it and trust that I am taking care of myself. I always do. And they know that.

I think of this idea of choosing our lives as being a mental symbol. My mind knows what “choosing” means, but the “reality” of it in the context of “spirit” is something else. But, since I think with my mind then using mental symbols with the knowledge that “there’s more to it than that” feels complete to me.

I have chosen well.

• Thursday, August 22nd, 2013

In my last post, I told you that I was heading to Seattle, WA to see Abraham. That was nearly two weeks ago. I’ve had some time to reflect on the experience and now I’m ready to tell you about it. That sounds very serious, but it’s not. It was so awesome!! Whahoo! So cool! (Evidence of excitement pictured above.)

That’s how I felt about it.

The drive down was awesome. Super easy, no issues. Even the stop at the border was relatively smooth. My Abraham travel-buddy always gets stopped at the border, so we did, but it was freakishly fast and easy (accidentally sent to a line with no one in front, passing about 50 people in the long line, quickly served, and on our way).

We found the hotel easily, they valet parked our car, checked us in in under 5 minutes and we were on our way to our room. And you can’t have an Abraham experience without a perfectly timed coincidence. Right on cue, as we’re getting on the elevator, one of the 3 Abraham staff members that I can recognize from their videos passed us on the way out. Our running joke for the weekend was, “What’re the odds? About 100%.”

Regarding the seminar itself, amazing. I didn’t end up putting up my hand to go into the hot seat. I didn’t feel like my thoughts were really questions that I wanted to articulate in that forum. And I’m a bit of stand-back and watch kind of person anyway so I was taking advantage of the position of being an audience member in receiving the benefits of the information that was coming forth in response to the questions that the other folks had. The first portion of the seminar had some incredible stories of synchronicity. I’ve always been fascinated by synchronicity and it’s amazing to hear stories and to experience it myself more and more.

If I could narrow down the focus of the day, it would be this: “Identify a desire and then line up with it.” End of story. However, personal interpretation and application of that statement, well, that’s another story. And it’s something that I intend to contemplate and write about over and over again.

There was something in particular in the seminar that stood out for me, especially considering the contemplations I’ve been exploring about “what do I want?” that I expressed in recent posts (What Do You Want & Having What You Want). Abraham was explaining the dynamics of wanting things and how sometimes when we really want something we can inadvertently focus on the lack-of that thing (as indicated by feelings of loneliness, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.) and again the idea of “the journey” came up. Esther’s been saying, “I’m having fun on my way to That. I’m having fun on my way to That.” And Abraham said that the “fun” is the reason for the “That”.

And so, here we are, going after That, everyday. We’re conditioned to believe that the having of That is the reason for wanting and focusing on That, but  Abraham says that That is just the excuse to identify with the emotion (thus the vibration) that matches That. And just to clarify this point, “That” is anything wanted: enlightenment, love, peace between nations and people, safety, security, freedom, easy communication, understanding, certainty, a hot new car, enough money to cover rent, strong muscles for playing sports, flexibility in the body for everyday enjoyment, health, sex, a girlfriend, a good book, nice weather, healthy relationships, promotion at work, a new iPhone, etc, etc, etc. You get the idea.

Once again, this is just another way of saying, “life is a journey, not a destination”. But, every time I hear an old idea put into new words it means something new to me. There’s just something magical about letting myself explore wanted things (new job, winter holiday, more money, slimmer body, great relationships, fun experiences, cleaner house, etc.) knowing that the best way to “get” those things is to feel what those things feel like, and the natural reason behind wanting to get those things is just to feel what those things feel like because those feelings are our natural state of well-being. Bam! There it is!

That may not click with you the way it does with me, but I’m just here to share with you my experience and my thoughts around my experience. And believe me, just because I have one “a-ha” moment doesn’t mean that train of thought is done. Oh no, I’m already onto new ways of thinking about this phenomenon of “wantingness”.

The experience of being there in person with Esther/Abraham was truly amazing. I sat about four rows back, sweating from armpits with excitement despite nearly shivering from the air conditioning. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. And the feeling of staring into her eyes, hanging on every word and taking it all in was, in a word, divine. I will definitely go back if I can.

Another cool thing that I got from the seminar was a name of another wacky channeller. This guy channels “Bashar”. His name came up in a question from the hot seat. In response to the hot seat question, Abraham said that the energy coming through was the same, but there’s not a direct Abraham/Bashar communication. To me, he looks like a cross between Gilbert Gottfried, Wallace Shawn (the “inconceivable” guy from Princess Bride), and Evan Handler (from Sex and The City and Californication) with a sort of Scottish accent. And totally wacky! Loud, weird, hilarious, and speaking about stuff that resonates with me very deeply. I love this shit! Check out some YouTube videos or his website bashar.org. You can thank me later for nudging you down that rabbit hole.