• Friday, April 04th, 2014

Recently I engaged in a brief discussion online about gender identity. I try to avoid doing so because the topic of gender identity these days is very political, highly personal, and, quite complex. It’s full of jargon that I’m only a little bit familiar with and there are about as many different ways to identify as there are people in the queer community. I narrow it to the queer community because for the most part identifying your gender is a queer issue. Even if you’re straight, the very act of identifying yourself out of the typical male/female makes you a bit queer. (Be grateful, queer is awesome.) Having discussions about this, it’s inevitable that I will offend someone or come across as conservative or old-fashioned or just…not with the times. And it’s true, I’m not.

I do have a gender that’s different than the majority. I’m a woman, but I look like a man to a lot of people. I like my brush-cut hair, men’s clothes, minimal grooming, and comfortable shoes. I identify as a woman. I don’t care what other people call me (sir, ma’am, miss, lady, dude, buddy, bro). It’s all the same to me. I have a lot of shared experience with trans people, genderqueers or gender nonconforming people, but I wouldn’t necessarily identify myself as such. Though, I feel that any one of those words would be perfectly accurate descriptions of me if anyone wanted to call me that.

Regarding that online discussion, I did offend, because I expressed my confusion and it came across as invalidation or perhaps that I thought someone shouldn’t be as they are simply because I didn’t quite get it. Even though there really wasn’t any discussion beyond my comment, my mind was racing with thoughts about gender and sex and what makes a person “feel” one way, another, neither, or both. And then I was reminded of a reading I had a few months ago with My Shaman. That’s how I like to refer to her, she is a shaman and she does readings and healings and clearings and whatnot. It involves cards, and conversations with the Creator, reading my Akashic records and all sorts of good stuff like that. In our meeting, she came upon an indication of an imbalance of my Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine. She said I needed to integrate more Divine Feminine into my life. And I’m sitting there thinking, “I don’t know what you’re talking about lady, I’m perfectly full of femininity.” Okay, maybe not. She did her magic to the best of her ability to bring in both female and male energy to intermingle into one complete energy. And I was sent home with homework to embrace my Divine Feminine, whatever that means.

A quick Google search on “integrate divine feminine” leads me to “Divine Balance: The Sacred Union of the Divine Feminine and Masculine.

Perfect. Homework!

I do believe that we are linked to multiple incarnations, aka, past lives. And I think that there’s something there that influences who we are in this experience. Since I was born a girl who wanted to look and act like the boys, I believe it tells me something about my balance of masculinity. It’s strong, but not too strong. It’s strong enough that even as a female my natural expression is outwardly male. But, not so strong that it causes conflict in me. As a child I rationalized my difference by creating a story where I was born a boy, but as I grew up I became a girl. Made sense to me. And I think that’s still happening. My growth is quite slow. I have always fully accepted my femaleness. Again, as a kid, if anyone challenged my gender and called me a boy, well, I punched them right in the face. Take that! I am a girl! And yes, still doing that too. Except no punching, just being a woman, a butch woman. Yes, you’re in the right washroom! I am a woman!

So all of this gets me contemplating the strange and wonderfully weird topics of past lives, present lives, choosing our lives, learning certain lessons, and moving forward. The highly political conversation on the internet that I couldn’t relate to led me to remember the shamanic instruction to integrate my divine feminine more. And it all got me thinking about this life. In this life I’m in a woman’s body. I have always felt comfortable identifying as female. I act quite male, but choose to define woman to match who I am, instead of creating new words for others to use on me. Now, I’m remembering that I’m here to experience the Divine Feminine. I’m remembering that being in a female body isn’t an automatic balancing of energy, but simply a reminder to focus on that balance. I’m remembering that my adherence to the female side of me is my indication of the underlying Will to integrate the Feminine. All this to say, I believe there’s something to be learned here.

I’m not suddenly going to start wearing make-up and shopping on the other side of the store. I tried to grow out my hair recently and didn’t like it much. And this is why I have trouble with the political discussion of gender identity. In my journey to integrate the divine feminine and masculine, I won’t be changing my appearance. The key word here is “Divine”. The Divine isn’t the body. It isn’t even the mind. My body, my mind, and my physical expression have certain male and female characteristics, unique to me. And they’re helping me to get in touch with something much deeper and more meaningful. I honestly have no idea “how” I’m going to integrate the divine feminine/masculine more, but being a happy and healthy masculine woman feels like a good lifetime to figure it out. I’ve got some homework to do.

• Thursday, March 27th, 2014

I use the word secrets not because these things are hidden but because so few people are prepared to hear them today.
- Bhagavad Gita

When sharing my perspective on the power of consciousness and positive thinking to skeptics or people who don’t know me that well, often I hear disgust and judgement as they ask, “like in The Secret?” And, if I’m honest the answer is, “yes, like in The Secret”.

The Secret has been controversial from the beginning. A polarizing idea that empowered some people and annoyed or even angered others. Just recently a friend on Facebook posted a rant in their status update about the atrocities of The Secret. They’d just watched it for the first time and took to the Internet to express their rage. Eight years after its release it still evokes the polarized perspectives (as the variety of responses to her post further demonstrated).

From my point of view, The Secret is a stepping stone for shifting your thinking entirely. As a whole, our way of thinking is going through a significant paradigm shift. And in the context of the early 2000s, The Secret used the popularity of people wanting nice things to contribute to the overall paradigm shift, namely, “change comes from within”. But, I feel the shame that comes from being a viewer of The Secret. Many who judge and shame us for watching and liking it haven’t even seen it themselves. Hence the recent condemning of the show from my FB friend who finally decided to watch it for themselves instead of judging without even knowing what they were judging. And surprise surprise, their perspective was validated by the viewing and were free to shame and judge those of us who live this perspective – The Law of Attraction. *gasp!*

When I first watched it, I saw the original release that’s actually different than the current copy. So, I understand that viewing it now one might have a different experience than if they’d seen the original. The part that stood out for me the most were the segments with Abraham Hicks. I immediately went digging for more information on “The Teachings of Abraham” as listed on the lower third below the strangely-talking sweet-looking older woman. And considering that I went to their seminar just last year, as I wrote about in another post, they’ve had a significant influence on my personal growth. They were cut out of later releases because of copyright issues or business issues or who knows what, I don’t care. Esther and Jerry Hicks have always been strong in business and that’s their deal. All good, as far as I’m concerned.

The biggest criticism of The Secret was the emphasis on getting money, or cars, or relationships, whatever you want by changing the way you think. It was widely interpreted that the film basically promoted magical thinking. Just think about it and you will have it, it seemed to say. And that’s where the film separated those who were ready for a paradigm shift from those who weren’t. For those of us that felt the resonance of the content of The Secret all that was required to truly experience a profound change was discernment. With discernment you could take the lessons of The Secret and apply it to whatever you wanted. In 2006, it reached the widest audience by focusing on cars, houses, lovers and money. But, the viewer didn’t have to if they didn’t want to.

The Secret asked the viewer to imagine what it would be like to have the car of your dreams. Put yourself in the seat, see yourself driving it, feel what it feels like to live in a world where you are the owner of this car. This was hook. It wasn’t teaching you how to get a car. It was teaching you how to feel joy, excitement, and satisfaction without needing the external world to match your vision. And, it was teaching that if you didn’t get the car you were expecting, then you didn’t hold the good feeling long enough. Hook #2 – continue the feelings of joy, excitement, and satisfaction no matter what.

This whole process is the Kindergarten class of Inner Peace. It uses people’s strong desire for things and gets them practising feeling good first, instead of feeling good after getting those things. For those who criticise the materialistic nature of the teaching, why not substitute the car, in this example, for World Peace? Visualize world peace, see yourself in a world of peace, feel what it feels like for the whole world to be at peace. Now, hold onto that feeling everyday and trust that the universe will deliver your request…eventually. What have you just done? You’ve put yourself into a state of peace. Already the world is more peaceful. And what if you die before ever experiencing world peace? You will have wasted your emotions on feeling love, peace and joy. But, isn’t that the goal of world peace anyway: to feel love, peace, and joy?

The film doesn’t say a lot about taking action and so the skeptical audience claimed that it was saying to NOT take action, just think about nice things. The reason it didn’t address action so much (as I see it) is because action is the *next* step. It’s Secondary School. If you skip a few grades you can still attend school and do the tests, but the outcome will be much better if you go to elementary before jumping into high school. Actions have better outcomes when they follow positive thoughts. Actions are life. Not taking action, is itself an action. So you must live your life through action.

Even if the viewer doesn’t have the discernment to see The Secret for what it really is, the primary consequence of thinking about something you want and feeling the emotions of what it would be like to have it is the consequence of feeling good. And that’s where the brilliance of this kind of work comes in. It is training scores of people to focus on feeling good.

Ultimately, it’s just a stepping stone to new understandings of the power of intention, desire, consciousness, and the malleability of external reality. From following the trail of one idea to another idea, I’ve come to learn that the thought of driving a hot car, or visualizing high praise from society, or feeling what it would be like to have a lover who truly gets you is simply matching a vibration. Like tuning a guitar string to match the harmonics of the tuning fork, the vibration of feeling good, feeling thrilled, feeling content, is matching the harmonics of Life itself. And that’s where the magic happens.

• Monday, March 03rd, 2014

I have big thoughts fairly frequently. I wrote a previous post in which I speak of my frequent contemplations on “the nature of reality”. The explanations I’m drawn to come from other-worldly beings and enlightened masters who attempt to give us a picture on the grand design of not only our physical universe but multiple dimensions and higher (and maybe lower) realms that exist simultaneously with this one that we know physically. Our mind might not seem exactly physical and so we hope that it could be capable of learning and grasping the ideas that are beyond the physical. But, the mind is truly physical. And unfortunately, not really able to “know”. But, so what? It’s designed to know what it’s experiencing right here right now and nothing more. And what’s happening right here, right now is fun and interesting contemplations on what could be beyond the comprehensible.

A symbol that keeps coming up for me in my studies is the circle. Clearly the circle is a powerful symbol on Earth as the Earth itself is a form of a circle – a sphere. (When I say circle I don’t only mean a uniform 2-dimensional shape, I also mean ellipses, spheres, and whatnot.) This symbol of a circle is starting to help my little mind grasp enormous concepts. Well, maybe “grasp” is going a bit too far. But, circles are definitely where it’s at if you want to contemplate an infinite universe that resides within one’s consciousness.

I’m reading Ralph Waldo Emerson and in his essay, “Circles”, he references another, saying, “St. Augustine described the nature of God as a circle whose centre was everywhere, and its circumference nowhere.”

Voila! Mystery solved. That is the nature of reality (ie. God). Well, I think I’ll just contemplate that for a few millennia.

Circles can be seen as frustrating, as a way of getting stuck in rut. The cycle continues and nothing changes but the cycle within the circle. But, like everything, the way you feel about it will depend on how you define it. Circles/cycles can be frustrating or they can be liberating. What does it mean to have no beginning and no ending? If repetition is what’s being experienced, what can be learned from that?

I love the experience of cycles: day/night, lunar cycles, seasons, even my menstrual cycle. Cycles help me see better what’s going on. The repetition lets me get it a bit better the next time around. In this context I’m thinking about cycles of relationships, or work, or creativity – the less easily definable cycles. But, cycles and circles none the less.

Bashar (my current favourite guru) says that everything is happening Now and we are simply shifting our perspective billions of times per second. And when he describes this he always moves his hand in a horizonal circle, shifting his finger from point to point around the circle (representing our point of view).

The circle. The circle. The infinitely expanding circle. As I continue to contemplate the circle I will leave you with a paragraph from Emerson’s “Circles”, the work of a man contemplating the nature of reality nearly 200 years ago.

The natural world may be conceived of as a system of concentric circles, and we now and then detect in nature slight dislocations which apprise us that this surface on which we now stand is not fixed, but sliding. These manifold tenacious qualities, this chemistry and vegetation, these metals and animals, which seem to stand there for their own sake, are means and methods only – are words of God, and as fugitive as other words. Has the naturalist or chemist learned his craft, who has explored the gravity of atoms and the elective affinities, who has not yet discerned the deeper law whereof this is only a partial or approximate statement, namely, that like draws to like; and that the goods which belong to you gravitate to you and need not be pursued with pains and cost? Yet is that statement approximate also, and not final. Omnipresence is a higher fact. Not through subtle, subterranean channels need friend and fact be drawn to their counterpart, but, rightly considered, these things proceed from the eternal generation of the soul. Cause and effect are two sides of one fact. (1836)

• Wednesday, February 26th, 2014


A few days have passed since the Winter Olympics have ended in Sochi, Russia. And I must confess. I love the Olympics. I love cheering for Canada. I love watching the best athletes in the world compete. I especially love watching the women. It could have something to do with the fact that I’m a big ol’ gay lesbian, but, truly, those women are freakin’ amazing. I don’t even watch sports when the Olympics aren’t on. Actually, I don’t even watch the Summer Olympics, just Winter. The men are also pretty amazing athletes to watch but there’s something so ordinary about men competing. To me, they don’t seem special, just kind of neutral. Don’t get me wrong, I very much appreciate the skill and hard work that the guys do. Of course, it’s amazing to be the best in the world. But, to be the best woman athlete (in any sport) is something special.

I’m working casual shifts right now and I was blessed with the assignment of a few weeks of overnight shifts at a building in the Olympic Village in Vancouver. This is a perfect example of the serendipity I am privileged to experience on a regular basis. Because of this work schedule I got to watch a lot of Olympics. And because of the nature of the work I was doing I got to watch it while at work…in the same building that Olympic athletes were living in 4 years ago.

There were so many great moments. I loved seeing the way all the athletes supported each other, and not just people from the same country. In between the snowboarding or skiing runs I loved seeing the way the women would be so supportive and always hug each other.

And the women kicked ass for Canada! In fact, when you look at just the women competitors, Canada was number one for gold medals, two more than the second place women, our neighbours to the south, USA. My favourite events were curling (they won all their matches and are from my hometown), the various freestyle skiing and snowboarding competitions (my girlfriend cried she was so moved by their athletic prowess), and of course, hockey! (incredible comeback). Some of the other sports were a bit boring, like cross-country skiing and alpine skiing. But, I loved that Marit Bjoergen from Norway (who they lovingly call “Iron Lady”) became the winningest female Winter Olympian of all time after finishing 1st in the 30 km race with her teammates in 2nd and 3rd. Another bit that I loved was watching a 20 year old woman from Iran finish her run in Alpine Skiing in the top 50. And even though the Canadian women didn’t do so great in speed skating this year, out-lesbian skater Ireen Wust from Netherlands won 2 golds and 3 silver in Sochi alone. Incredible. And the commentator was so supportive and proud of her winning. She said, “it couldn’t have happened to a better person.”

And so, I must address the elephant in the room. Because of Russia’s out and proud human rights violations against LGBT people in their government and in the streets, it’s understandable that activists around the world have had a hate-on for the Olympics from the start. People like George Takei and the majority of my Facebook friends have been calling for a complete boycott of the Olympics in Sochi. I understand why and I totally respect that they believe it’s important to take that stand. Feeling outrage over other people’s realities is a common reaction for North American queers. It is a complex issue, but I choose not to share the common perspective.

This is a very exciting time for queer Russian activists. The outpouring of love and support from people and businesses all over the world has been incredible to see. I don’t think there’s ever been more overt love and acceptance of the gays in all of history. The way I see it, humanity as a whole is in a better place now than they were just months before. That said, it doesn’t mean that other people shouldn’t feel outrage and want to do whatever they can to help improve circumstances for those who suffer. But, you know, there are a lot of circumstances in this world where people suffer deeply. It might be your path to work at alleviating that suffering, or it might be your path to experience the suffering and come out the other side (or not). From my perspective, all realities are valid, every journey is leading you to somewhere better…eventually. If you feel called to fight, then that’s your right. If you feel love and pride for what’s happening right here and now, then that’s okay too.

A huge part of my path in life has been directing my focus towards seeing anything and everything from a positive perspective whenever possible. And part of that includes seeing the positive of people taking a negative perspective. I believe that if one feels that it’s important to express an opinion or take a stand then that person is doing what’s right for them. What’s right for me is to find joy in What-Is, including the Winter Olympics. What’s right for me is to think of all the Russian people I’ve met in Canada who are incredibly sweet, overtly supportive of gays, and such thoughtful and intelligent people. What’s right for me is to acknowledge the one who was extremely sexist towards me and love them unconditionally as I continue my path very far away from them. What’s right for me is to believe that love and joy (and yes, even money when appropriate) is limitless and can be directed towards events like the Olympics and towards a changing, better world. The way I see it, you can’t create more love over here, by taking away some love from over there. It just doesn’t work that way. But…if you see it that way, that’s okay, too.

Congratulations Canada and athletes from around the world! Good games!

• Saturday, February 15th, 2014

Since the first blog was created and people began to post their thoughts and whatnot on the internet, there has been the inevitable opening sentence: “It’s been a while since my last post…”

I have made the internet my place of business and self-expression for the last 5 years or so. The business paradigm of the cyber world is a hard and fast rule – update regularly and update often. Without those updates you don’t have an audience and you don’t have a business. Internet business is a magical place where you can take your passion and express it in a way that has a potential to make some money. And often you can do this without quitting your day job, thus keeping the venture low risk. Currently I run 3 websites and every single one of them hasn’t been updated in about 6 months. And I don’t care.

Well, I care a little. But, I choose to not worry about it. My main video website has pretty much come to a close. I’ve chosen to not produce any more videos so there won’t be any new updates anyway. The secondary website to that one really really needs updates in its current format – it’s meant to be a site of updates to keep people updated. Oh well. And finally, the third site is this one and I’m updating it now, so it’s all good.

Here’s what I’m working towards expressing to you: It’s important to me to do a good job, to create something that people enjoy, to keep my work alive, however, not doing anything on the internet for long periods of time actually feels quite glorious. I feel absolutely sure that feeling good is the key to a life fulfilled. Feeling good can mean a lot of things and a person can feel good about anything and everything if they’re masterful at it. But, for those of us still working it out it helps to just start with self-indulgence of whatever feels good. And for me, for a while now, staying off the internet has felt really good to me. And, so what’s the point of forcing myself to create new updates and stay on top of the goings on of the internet? I only do it for the fun of it anyway, so if it feels better to not do it, then that’s just what I’ll do – not do it.

Over the last couple of years I’ve been working on establishing my active income-making (ie. day job). I’ve experimented with part-time, living life like I’m retired, but I decided I want more money than that gets me (still got some debts to pay off from following my passion). Currently, I’m setting myself up with work that is very easy, just demanding enough, and structured as such that I can work on my writing and websites while I’m on the job. And so, that means I’m feeling inspired again. I have new opportunities for sitting in front of the computer for hours on end and updating websites, or writing screenplays, books or whatnot, will certainly enhance my experience of being on the job. It’s perfect. And so I write. I update.

The really cool thing that I’m learning from this experience of doing and not doing based on how inspired or good I feel about it, is that it could all change tomorrow. It could all change in the next moment. And that’s okay. If I’m not excited about doing something, then I don’t do it. But, I don’t make a lifetime commitment to never do it ever again. I simply let it be, and let it become exciting again at anytime, if ever.

More and more people are acting on their highest excitement, following their bliss. And it’s an inspiring way to live, but whenever you find yourself following your bliss in a way that doesn’t feel good, then it’s time to take a step back. Because if it doesn’t feel good, then it isn’t really bliss. Every moment is an opportunity to find out exactly how to act on that bliss in a blissful way. It might change from moment to moment. Let it. Choose bliss. Don’t do.

• Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013

The purpose of this blog is simply to share with the readers my experience of individual spiritual realization. Everyday I contemplate the nature of reality. You could say it’s a philosophical perspective, and I do like to think of it that way, as well. But, it’s a philosophy of the spirit that functions in the physical realm. Sorting out, intellectually, what makes physical reality what it is can be tricky. I’m inclined to think of it in a predominantly subjective manner – how I experience reality as I experience it. But, one could also look through an objective lens and seek out the mechanism of reality as discovered by scientists over many centuries. The scientific discoveries and perspectives on the mechanism by which physical reality functions is interesting, for sure, but for myself, I don’t find it particularly relevant to my philosophical contemplations.

Another significant aspect to my contemplations is that I don’t focus too much on the how and why of other people’s experiences of life. Inevitably the more I know about the how and why of my own experience, the more I’ll know about others, in some regard. I can learn and understand some of many factors that can go into forming another experience. But, like the scientific mechanical process of matter, narrowing down factors of influence in another person’s experience simply isn’t relevant to my contemplations.

I’ve always been a thinker. I am Gemini after all. But, not specifically a scholar. My interest has tended towards the personal experience. I’ve been interested in personal development books since I was a teenager. And I loved the controversial Oprah topics of the 90s of creating your own reality, and the methodological studies of prayer and meditation. Growing up in the United Church I’ve always been exposed to minimally problematic perspectives of God and Spirit. But my spiritual explorations really began for me in 2007. One Googled question led to a blog, which led to another blog, which led to an author, and then a video and so on. It’s been the quintessential Internet-Age mystical journey. I started to study subjective reality, read Dr. David Hawkins, watched the Secret, looked deeper and deeper into the concept of the soul, God as immanent, deliberate creations, and listened to many many messages and perspective that claim a non-physical origin.

Six and half years later I’m still at it: still reading about spiritual perspectives; still listening to people claiming to be speaking from another realm; still wondering what I can do for myself to experience an improved reality – a life of joy, excitement, love, and bliss. It is my belief that the more of this joy and love that I experience, the more the world will experience. It is, in a sense, my mission from God – to feel good, everyday. I have a shirt that says, “I’m on a mission from God” and it has a drawing of a man with long hair and outstretched arms. I’m sure you can guess the implication of that image. And people always ask me, “what’s your mission?” My answer: To feel good.

All the information that I’m gathering about the nature of reality and the interconnectivity of the spirit and the physical body is fascinating me to no end. I’m developing new perspectives everyday. Not drastically different from “past” perspectives, but more developed, expanded viewpoints. And I love it. The one thing that keeps coming up, that I’m continually drawn to in my study is the significance of feeling good. Ultimately, that’s what people want from their lives. People say they want to “be happy”. That can be defined in all sorts of ways. But it’s the feeling of being happy that’s the key – the feeling of feeling good.

In my exploration of “the nature of reality” I get to look around me, use my observational functions and think about things that are actually beyond the capacity of the thinking mind. It’s incredibly fun. I hope to share more of these contemplations with you because they’re always changing and developing. And it’s super interesting to attempt to articulate concepts that are literally beyond the mind (analogies work well, but I have no doubt our words and concepts will develop with greater understanding). These days, this concept of feeling good is on my mind and surfaces in all sorts of sources. Different authors talk about it in different ways. People who seek happiness think about it in different ways. There is no one way. We are all having an individual experience. In your experience, as you walk on your own unique path, come upon your own significant clues, gather them up and move on, use your emotions as your guide. Move forward and see how it feels. If it’s not quite right, then change directions.

The image that flashed into my head as I wrote that was a person walking through a vast field of tall grass (I was born in the prairies). I imagined a game of sorts, like a video game. Try one way, pick up a clue – it feels good, then in my mind I pictured the field having depth beyond what we see as the earth’s surface. Upon feeling good the person’s path becomes elevated and the things that you find upon that path will be completely different at this level than at another level. Moving forward, always moving forward, the player will either stay at that level, go even higher, or more likely direct their focus toward observing unwanted things, succumb to old thought patterns and sink back down to the lower level where they will come upon a while new set of possible circumstances. It’s all okay, of course. It all leads you somewhere. Somewhere new and somewhere with a whole new set of choices. We get to choose and move on. That’s the game.

There you go. That was me contemplating the nature of reality, as a video game. Sometimes that’s how my mind works. I’m delighted to share it with you. Please feel free to share your own unique perspective in the comments section.

• Tuesday, September 10th, 2013

Recently, I went home to see my family and I brought my girlfriend to meet them. I like that my family still lives in the same general area where I grew up so that I can say “home” in that context other than the “home” that I feel here in Vancouver. I would say that the trip was pretty much the most perfect encounter I could imagine. It had a lot of fun elements: family, relaxation, tourism, luxury, nostalgia. And I can see even more cool elements occurring in the future: culture, beauty, friends, more fun.

In the past, I’ve had girlfriends who would tease me about having a Norman Rockwell family and frankly, it’s true. It’s not that we’re all perfect or anything like that. It’s just that we choose to be nice to each other, polite even. And the niceness isn’t forced. It comes naturally from completely accepting each other for who we are. For some people that would be weird, but in the culture of my family nice is normal and appreciated. When we have a few days together, we talk about how things are going in our lives – doing our best to focus on the positive. We talk about our pets, the weather, plans for continually improving life and various other relatively surface conversations. There’s great love between all of us. There’s hugs and “I love you” salutations, but no gushing. Not a lot of overt affection. The love is known. Certain.

In my consciousness and spiritual reading and discovering I’ve been coming across the idea a lot lately about choosing our lives here on earth and choosing the family we are born into. I feel like I chose a rather easy ride this life. That’s not to say I haven’t had challenges, I have, thank god (I need some challenges). But, the ease with which I’m able to move on from the challenges is quite noticeable. At the moment I’m feeling a sense of Ease and Simplicity being a theme in this life. Not a bad theme, if I may say so myself. It’s a theme that is unique to my character, that’s for sure.

I feel a sense of ease when I’m with my family. They’ve always left me alone to do whatever I want without judgement. My path of life tends to be all over the place and some parents might feel compelled to help steer me in a straighter line (so to speak). But they don’t. They just listen to whatever new story I have about what I do with my time, my job, my art, my love and they love me for it and trust that I am taking care of myself. I always do. And they know that.

I think of this idea of choosing our lives as being a mental symbol. My mind knows what “choosing” means, but the “reality” of it in the context of “spirit” is something else. But, since I think with my mind then using mental symbols with the knowledge that “there’s more to it than that” feels complete to me.

I have chosen well.

• Thursday, August 22nd, 2013

In my last post, I told you that I was heading to Seattle, WA to see Abraham. That was nearly two weeks ago. I’ve had some time to reflect on the experience and now I’m ready to tell you about it. That sounds very serious, but it’s not. It was so awesome!! Whahoo! So cool! (Evidence of excitement pictured above.)

That’s how I felt about it.

The drive down was awesome. Super easy, no issues. Even the stop at the border was relatively smooth. My Abraham travel-buddy always gets stopped at the border, so we did, but it was freakishly fast and easy (accidentally sent to a line with no one in front, passing about 50 people in the long line, quickly served, and on our way).

We found the hotel easily, they valet parked our car, checked us in in under 5 minutes and we were on our way to our room. And you can’t have an Abraham experience without a perfectly timed coincidence. Right on cue, as we’re getting on the elevator, one of the 3 Abraham staff members that I can recognize from their videos passed us on the way out. Our running joke for the weekend was, “What’re the odds? About 100%.”

Regarding the seminar itself, amazing. I didn’t end up putting up my hand to go into the hot seat. I didn’t feel like my thoughts were really questions that I wanted to articulate in that forum. And I’m a bit of stand-back and watch kind of person anyway so I was taking advantage of the position of being an audience member in receiving the benefits of the information that was coming forth in response to the questions that the other folks had. The first portion of the seminar had some incredible stories of synchronicity. I’ve always been fascinated by synchronicity and it’s amazing to hear stories and to experience it myself more and more.

If I could narrow down the focus of the day, it would be this: “Identify a desire and then line up with it.” End of story. However, personal interpretation and application of that statement, well, that’s another story. And it’s something that I intend to contemplate and write about over and over again.

There was something in particular in the seminar that stood out for me, especially considering the contemplations I’ve been exploring about “what do I want?” that I expressed in recent posts (What Do You Want & Having What You Want). Abraham was explaining the dynamics of wanting things and how sometimes when we really want something we can inadvertently focus on the lack-of that thing (as indicated by feelings of loneliness, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.) and again the idea of “the journey” came up. Esther’s been saying, “I’m having fun on my way to That. I’m having fun on my way to That.” And Abraham said that the “fun” is the reason for the “That”.

And so, here we are, going after That, everyday. We’re conditioned to believe that the having of That is the reason for wanting and focusing on That, but  Abraham says that That is just the excuse to identify with the emotion (thus the vibration) that matches That. And just to clarify this point, “That” is anything wanted: enlightenment, love, peace between nations and people, safety, security, freedom, easy communication, understanding, certainty, a hot new car, enough money to cover rent, strong muscles for playing sports, flexibility in the body for everyday enjoyment, health, sex, a girlfriend, a good book, nice weather, healthy relationships, promotion at work, a new iPhone, etc, etc, etc. You get the idea.

Once again, this is just another way of saying, “life is a journey, not a destination”. But, every time I hear an old idea put into new words it means something new to me. There’s just something magical about letting myself explore wanted things (new job, winter holiday, more money, slimmer body, great relationships, fun experiences, cleaner house, etc.) knowing that the best way to “get” those things is to feel what those things feel like, and the natural reason behind wanting to get those things is just to feel what those things feel like because those feelings are our natural state of well-being. Bam! There it is!

That may not click with you the way it does with me, but I’m just here to share with you my experience and my thoughts around my experience. And believe me, just because I have one “a-ha” moment doesn’t mean that train of thought is done. Oh no, I’m already onto new ways of thinking about this phenomenon of “wantingness”.

The experience of being there in person with Esther/Abraham was truly amazing. I sat about four rows back, sweating from armpits with excitement despite nearly shivering from the air conditioning. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. And the feeling of staring into her eyes, hanging on every word and taking it all in was, in a word, divine. I will definitely go back if I can.

Another cool thing that I got from the seminar was a name of another wacky channeller. This guy channels “Bashar”. His name came up in a question from the hot seat. In response to the hot seat question, Abraham said that the energy coming through was the same, but there’s not a direct Abraham/Bashar communication. To me, he looks like a cross between Gilbert Gottfried, Wallace Shawn (the “inconceivable” guy from Princess Bride), and Evan Handler (from Sex and The City and Californication) with a sort of Scottish accent. And totally wacky! Loud, weird, hilarious, and speaking about stuff that resonates with me very deeply. I love this shit! Check out some YouTube videos or his website bashar.org. You can thank me later for nudging you down that rabbit hole.

• Thursday, August 08th, 2013

No alliteration intended.

Woo is short for woo woo which traditionally has been a derogatory phrase for people who believe in things that aren’t backed by scientific examination and explanation. This phrase isn’t used for religious people that often but more the secular group of people who believe in God or Source or Creator and who do things to connect with those “imaginary” beings, like burn sage, read tarot cards, see psychics, or even go to a seminar that’s being channeled by an entity from the other side. I see it as more of a term of endearment these days. More and more people are into “woo” and its expressions are quite diverse. A day at yoga could be woo for some people, whereas others might spend a weekend retreat exploring their Inner Being’s astrological dream adventures.

All this to say, I’m going to see Abraham this weekend!! Those of you who are into this idea of changing the world from within, law of attraction, and the power of feeling good, will likely know who I’m talking about. Esther Hicks is the speaker, the person on stage giving the seminar, but the energy that’s coming through her in this public environment is known as Abraham. You could call what Esther does channelling but Abraham doesn’t identify as a single entity, they are a group of non-physical somethings or other. The ultimate genderqueer ghost. “Call me they, and don’t label me a being from the other side, I’m much more than that.”

Esther travels frequently, giving these seminars on a weekly basis, and even giving week-long seminars a few times a year. Personally, I don’t know why she works so hard. I understand that she believes that by interacting with the people then expansion and growth is occuring but, well, anyway, it’s what she wants. So she can do whatever she wants. And I get to benefit from her compulsion to work all the time. The Abraham crew is going to be in Seattle so I get to cross the border and see them before my concern for her working too much starts to manifest and I don’t get another chance like this again.

A typical Abraham seminar starts off with Esther taking a few breaths on stage and getting into a sort of trance so that she speaks for/as Abraham. Then Abraham reiterates their teaching, setting the stage, so to speak, and then opens up the floor to questions. One person is picked at at time to come up and ask their question. Abraham typically has only one answer for all questions. But, sometimes they can get Abraham to say it in a  new way that’s perfectly relevant to their personal situation. I’ve watched a bunch of these seminars online and on DVDs from the library and I’ve narrowed down the main answers:

  • Vibration first – this is the energy part of you that goes up and down at any given moment. The idea is that from your vibration comes feelings, then thoughts, then actions, then interactions.
  • Momentum is in play – the law of momentum is a factor in everything, the more attention you pay to something (through thoughts, feelings, actions and interactions) the more momentum you give to that particular vibration.
  • There’s a lot going on behind the scenes – enter the God part and our eternal nature/soul.
  • You’re either resisting or allowing – going with the flow or against it.
  • Your feelings are your indicators of which you’re doing.

So basically, if you follow what Abraham suggests for living life, then you will get yourself into a good feeling place at the beginning of every day and you will do whatever you can and whatever you want to keep that feeling going. As a consequence you will find that things just tend to work out for you. But, the idea is to just feel good no matter what the circumstances and to feel good about just feeling good, unconditionally.

I feel particularly connected to this material. It caught my attention when I watch the original release of “The Secret” (Abraham was later edited out because of contract or copyright disputes). I saw this strange-talking sweet-looking woman and read the lower third title: The Teachings of Abraham. It was the only person in the documentary that I followed up on. I bought a couple of books, and I knew they gave seminars but didn’t think much of it. Years later, I discovered the YouTube videos, library DVDs and all the good stuff that the Internet can provide if you know what you’re doing. Because I see their answers as always being the same (and they say this too), every seminar ends up being a new way of wording the same question (How do I get what I want?) and a new way of wording the same answer (Get your vibration high, and then…). And there’s something about that repetition that really works for me. It’s just like rereading inspirational books, you always find something new or understand something old in a brand new way. This is what I get from Abraham. And this is why I’m so excited to go this weekend.

And now I ask myself, “what question should I ask?” There’s usually only about 10 people at the most who get up to ask a question and there’ll be hundreds of people there, but if I decide to put up my hand then I need a question. And I’d love to have the chance to sit face to face with Esther as she’s embodying Abraham on stage. Apparently the energy is incredible.

So for months now I’ve been trying to come up with a question for Abraham. Here’s my problem, not much of a problem: everytime I ask a question in my mind, my mind gives me the answer, an Abraham answer. Maybe I’m just over anticipating what the answer is because I’ve witnessed Abraham’s answers so many times in the past and I’m forming the answers through my beliefs. Ultimately, every answer is this: tend to your vibration and follow inspiration, notice how you feel and see what happens and then adjust your vibration accordingly.

I feel like I want to ask big questions about life, the universe, the nature of reality, and all the stuff going on behind the scenes, maybe questions about the subjective nature of time and space and how our physicality affects or doesn’t affect these things. But, it doesn’t feel like the right time to get into those questions.

I’ve noticed that the questions that get the most in-depth answers and the most clarification on the nature of reality and our place in it are the questions that are the most personal. Sometimes is a simple question about repeated manifestations like people spitting in public, loud motorcycles going by, and sometimes it is a deep emotional question about a loved one who’s recently died. The answers never indicate rightness or wrongness about anything. Clarification is always welcome as the impetus for the question but if you start to focus on something that’s dragging you down, then Abraham will jump right in and redirect you as best as possible. So, I know not to ask a question that might feed a momentum of something not wanted. I want my time with Abraham to take me higher in my understanding than I can experience on my own, with my own inner motivation.

What do I want to understand? How to get a fast car? Hardly. How the universe is created in every moment? Nah, too complicated and I’m already reading about that so much that I’m getting more than I need for my day to day living. Better relationships, more creativity, joy in my body, flow of abundance, connection to All That Is? I have all of that and getting more and more every day. I don’t really feel like I need to increase the speed with which that is occuring. I’m on a good and steady path.

What do I want from Abraham? Interesting. This is the same question that came up in my past two posts. The first one where I explore the question, what do I want? And the other where I explore the idea and feeling of getting and having what I want. Maybe there’s a question here somewhere.

At the beginning of every seminar Abraham says in their purposefully weird grammar: “You are knowing what you are wanting?” Then the crowd murmurs their mixed response: yes and no. And then Abraham goes on to talk about it being an evolving thing, which leads to my thoughts in the post “What Do You Want” where I explore the notion of desire itself and it’s evolving nature. There’s no holding down desire. The minute you think you’ve identified “what you want”, it changes. There’s got to be question there. Or, am I just answering my own question again?

And so I continue my contemplation. In particular, along the lines of “knowing” what you want is actually experiencing what you want, realizing things wanted – as they are happening.

Then my question becomes: if knowing what we want is a matter of realizing the wanted thing in our present moment experience (in other words, we experience a wanted thing but didn’t even know before experiencing it that that specific thing was wanted), then what’s the point of thinking up things to want. It seems like the universe will just deliver all that I want if I just let it.

And, of course, the answer that I get is: Thinking about wanted things helps you to focus and your emotions are indicators of whether you are thinking about those wanted things in a beneficial way or if it’s hindering your progress towards more wanted things.

I’m not feeling confident that I’m going to have a question. I might just be one of those people in the crowd who gets all the answers to my questions from the other people going up and asking their questions.

Something that came up in a recent seminar I was watching was something to the effect of, “Lightly wanting things makes them come easily and quickly.” Lightly wanting. I think we’ve all experienced that before. You think of a friend you haven’t seen in a while and then run into them – a very light desire. You go for a job interview without even caring if you get the job or not and they very quickly and eagerly hire you. However, wanting things badly tends to elicit different results or no results at all. It’s kind of like wanting to sleep really badly, the more you try the further you get away from falling asleep.

I want to ask Abraham a question. I think I want it too much. This is a really wonderful problem. My questions get answered very quickly after I ask them. I feel like I want to ask… “how do I lightly want something?” Maybe I can use my composing of a question as my example. (The Abraham answer is to “go general”. Think about the wanted thing in a less specific way that evokes a feeling of relief.)

Time will tell if I can manage to more lightly want a great question to come to me, if that question can be clearly articulated in my mind, and if I get called on to pose the question. If yes, great. If not, great too. I will let you know. Woad Twip!!!

• Monday, July 29th, 2013

The last post that I wrote, “What Do You Want?”, in which I explore the continual feeling of desire for more, sparked new thoughts in me about actually getting and having what you want and what that might feel like. The main thing that I was getting at with that post was that desire is natural and continual and so let’s acknowledge it and appreciate it and not necessarily see it as a sign of discontent, but a sign that we’re alive and connected very powerfully to a continually growing and evolving universe. Whether or not that actually came across in my post, it got me thinking a bit further.

Sometimes thinking about big desires (like buying a house, getting a dream job, finding a soul-mate) is more satisfying than thinking about the smaller ones (like getting the weekend off, watching a movie you like, buying a new pair of shoes) in the sense that the big desires evoke big feelings. This got me thinking about what it feels like to have what you want. For me, a big desire is to one day own a sailboat that I can live on and take out to sea a few times a year or maybe for longer periods of time. Currently I run an Internet business from home and I work a day job. My day job provides me with long periods of time of contemplation because my responsibilities are to watch over my environment for any potential problems and be ready to help with any requests for assistance. Typically I’m needed about 2 or 3 times per 8 hour shift, so I spend a lot of my time in contemplation.

I wondered to myself: what if I had a boat, right now? I’m at work, doing my job as per usual, I have my Internet websites that I run as per usual, and I live on a boat (of course, I use my Honda Ruckus scooter to get to and from work). How does that feel? It feels nice, of course, but it’s not really all that different from right now. It’s just a slightly different physical reality.

And even if I think about being offered a million dollars to write a screenplay of my dreams, how would that feel? Well, it would feel like I have a job to do, same as every day. There would pressures and imperfections just like I have right now (probably more so), but I know that I’d love it. Same as I love what is right now. Same but different, of course.

I began tapping into this feeling of having the desired. Most people who are interested in spirituality are well aware of the power of appreciation or gratitude. At one point on my life journey I realized that if I only ever focus on Love and Appreciation, then I could go the whole way on that. That rest is just details. But, this feeling of having what I want is more than appreciating what I have (which is also very important). To me, it’s an acknowledgement that what I’m going to feel when I “get there” isn’t going to be some kind of giant leap in emotion or inner peace. I am actually quite content with what I have accompanied by the continual yearning for something more. And when I get that “something more” that I want, I will feel more of this feeling of contentment and desire for more. And it’s also quite possible that if a person is discontent right now, then when they “get what they want” they will be discontent with that too. (But I can’t speak for the discontented.)

While in work-contemplation mode and tapping into the emotion of actually having the biggest “thing” that I could imagine I started to deliberately feel the perfection of the moment. Maybe standing in that physical space wasn’t exactly what I wanted in that moment, but I didn’t necessarily not want it. And so, as I often find myself doing when I have a lot of free-time in mind, I came up with a cheesy mantra: I’m in love with this moment, and I’m eager for more. It’s worth noting that I was legitimately feeling that in that moment. I had a great start to my day. I was enjoying the thoughts that were going through my mind and I felt that what I was experiencing in that moment, emotionally, was awesome and I knew there was going to be more.

But again, I also know that this job that I’m doing is going to be changing soon as it’s not exactly what I want to do with my time. And, in that mantra I trusted that the universe wasn’t going to trick me into being stuck with that specific task just because I was loving it and feeling eager for more. What more? More standing? Or could it be more of what I want?

That night at work was one of the most magical I’d ever had. It’s a public space and many people come and go – I love the people watching. In my mind I’m slowly repeating my new mantra and my eyes are watching what’s going on around me. Then, voila, Eckhart Tolle shows up, the author of “The Power of Now”! I think he lives in Vancouver (where I am), so it was one of those beautiful coincidences. Then, later I saw a local “Real Housewives” celebrity being openly affectionate with her lady-lover. And then later still, I ran into a local musical duo that I became familiar with through the lesbian community. It was truly magical. I even received an email that was a specific response to decision I’d made that evening (business-wise). Another happy coincidence.

So what’s my point in all this? I think what I’m trying to say is that if you pay attention, then you can come to know the feeling that you’re seeking, the feeling of desire, the feeling of wanting new things, experiences and situations. And when you do, the universe will reveal to you not only the things that you can articulate that you want, but so much more. Did I want to see Eckhart Tolle and a Real Housewife of Vancouver that night. Hell to the Yes, I did! Did I know that I did? No. Could I have deliberately orchestrated that on my own? Impossible. I can’t control what those people do with their time, let alone get them to show up at my workplace all on the same night.

I am in love with this moment. And I’m eager for more.

All That Is vibrates with desire. The denial of desire will bring you only listlessness.
Seth, as spoken through Jane Roberts (1979)

Embrace your desire. Accept that you aren’t “there”, yet. And feel the joy of the “thereness” that you are at right now. It’s an eternal journey. It might not be what you expect, but prepare yourself for it to be what you desire, and you’ll be surprised to discover it’s better than you ever imagined.